Is this FLATTERING?

Who do YOU get dressed for?

Before you answer, "Me, of course!", I have a question for you.

Have you EVER asked yourself - your partner - your girlfriend - a stranger in the fitting room, "Is this... FLATTERING?"

Because if you have... then you're not getting dressed for you.

Flattering (noun) - full of praise or compliments

Flattering is code for -- Does this make me look smaller, longer, leaner, firmer than I actually am?

And it's no wonder, given the fat-phobic society we live in, where thinness is praised and complimented, and fatness, well, you know what they say about fat people.

(insert serious eye-roll)

Every time I ask –– IS THIS FLATTERING –– I am complicit in the upholding of a patriarchal + racist system that idealizes SOME bodies, at the expense of all other bodies. Which, let me be clear, benefits exactly NOBODY.

The closer you are to the ideal, the more privilege you have. And damn that privilege feels good. The praise! The compliments! All those shops that carry clothes in your size! (This is only the tip of the iceberg.) Except that position is tenuous. And you know it. Because like it or not, there is always somebody with a better body than you. And it's just a matter of time before a) your body changes and b) the rules of the game change. Eventually, you will slip further and further away from today's definition of ideal (it could all be different tomorrow), and so too will your self-worth.

Gals, THE SYSTEM IS RIGGED AGAINST US. And something as simple as, "Does this dress look flattering on me?" is what keeps us in line.

If your body is feeling ACTIVATED hearing my say that there's a 100% chance you're complicit in upholding this bullshit, fat-phobic system, I GET IT. Me too.

We're GOOD PEOPLE who have been swimming in the toxic messaging of the diet industry since before we could walk. Our mamas were ashamed of their bodies. And their mamas were ashamed of their bodies. (That's called intergenerational body shame, and it's a real thing.) Maybe they weren't always ashamed, because they were lucky enough to sit in that privileged seat for a while. But eventually, their bodies changed AND the rules changed, and their self-worth slipped right through their fingers.

Being complicit in this BULLSHIT SYSTEM isn't your fault. But it is your RESPONSIBILITY to find your way out of it.

The slickest, most brilliant way to break this broke-ass system is to get real clear on what you ACTUALLY BELIEVE. Because you can't un-believe something you don't know you believe!

The quest for FLATTERING bypasses our beliefs, which is awfully clever, because if we KNEW we believed this shit, women the world over would start a g'damn revolution!

So instead of asking, "Is this outfit flattering?" or "Do these pants make my butt look big?" ask yourself a different question. Like this: "How does this outfit make me FEEL?"

EXAMPLE:

Q. How does this outfit make me feel?
A. Groovy, strong, sexy, bold. Whew. It's scary to say that out loud. I don't think I'd dare wear this in public! It feels like... TOO MUCH!

GOOD DATA! What does TOO MUCH even mean? And let's think back to a time when you thought somebody was TOO MUCH. What thoughts did you think about them that you're afraid somebody might think about you?

Q. How does this outfit make me feel?
A. Fat. This outfit makes me feel fat.

GOOD DATA! What kinds of implicit and explicit anti-fat bias are you carrying around with you?? What do YOU think when you see a fat person? Why are you afraid of people thinking (or knowing) that you're fat? Or have fat on your body?

Q. How does this outfit make me feel?
A. I think I like it. But I'm not sure.

GOOD DATA! We live in a culture where we're trained to TRUST other people's opinions more than we're taught to trust our own damn selves. Learning to TRUST yourself takes practice. So let me ask you again, how does this outfit make you FEEEEEEL?

Q. How does this outfit make me feel?
A. Feel? I don't feel anything. PLEASE just tell me if this looks good.

GOOD DATA. It's okay if you can't feel your feelings. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or that you're broken. I'd bet a million bucks that there was time when you DID feel your feelings, and it didn't work out for you, so now you FOLLOW THE RULES (instead of your feelings) to ensure your safety. This was a brilliant strategy for a while, but it's not serving you anymore. When you block out the big, ugly, vulnerable feelings, you block out all the good feelings too. And my word, THERE ARE JUST SO MANY GOOD FEELINGS TO FEEL!

Ever heard the saying... THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE, BUT FIRST IT WILL PISS YOU OFF. (Gloria Steinem)

Well, that's THIS. You can't heal what you can't feel (or acknowledge), so let's get FEELING!!

Grab yourself a sticky note and write down, "HOW DOES THIS MAKE ME FEEL?" and post it to your mirror.

And also before anybody asks... NO, I AM NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD WEAR THE MUFFIN TOP PANTS because #fuckflattering.

If you put on the muffin-top pants and your brain is shaming you up one side and down the other - TAKE OFF THE DARN PANTS, and put on something that makes you FEEL good. Ignoring the shame isn't gonna make it go away.

AND NOW, I WANT YOU TO BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO CONTRADICT EVERYTHING I JUST SAID! (BREAKING A BROKEN SYSTEM IS NUANCED BUSINESS!)

I've found that when you're first starting out on this journey, it actually makes sense to focus on LOOKING GOOD (how ya doing, flattering) because LOOKING GOOD will make you FEEL GOOD.

Which is why I focus on both LOOKING GOOD TO FEEL GOOD and FEELING GOOD TO LOOK GOOD in Style School.

I teach you how to DRESS YOUR BODY (your shape) in a way that LOOKS GOOD, while also teaching you how to FEEL GOOD in your one-and-only body, with our without any clothes on!

And/both. Not either/or.

xo Stasia

PS. And also, the problem is NOT in the giving + receiving of compliments! It's the dependency on those compliments that get us into trouble!

PPS. Like what you read here? Then scroll on down to the bottom and share this post with your people on Facebook. Wouldn’t it be nice if you ALL stopped asking, IS THIS FLATTERING together?!?!

FLOP-BARBLE-SPLAT: Adventures in Rope Swing Jumping

I just got back from an afternoon on the river, and I'll tell you what... I am feeling pretty darn proud of myself. Because today, I did a thing. A thing I have NEVER done before. Ever. In my whole life. 

You know I love me a good adventure, but even I have my limits. And rope-swings are one of them. 

They LOOK EASY enough, but dang, you gotta have some kinda hand-arm-core strength/coordination to hold on to the rope and swing, less you want to FLOP-BARBLE-SPLAT yourself into the water like an old wet towel. 

I've always had strong legs... but strong arms? Not so much. 

I've never dared to jump from a rope swing because... 

What if I can't hold on.
What if I can't get my legs up. 
What if I make a fool of myself.

I've paddled this section of river before, and never once did I notice those darn rope swings. Outta mind, outta site. Once I put them on my no-way-never list, my smarty-pants brain was able to NOT SEE THEM whenever I traveled this section of river. 

Until today, when my 7 year old son about fell out of his seat when he saw them. He wanted to give it a go, and I thought to myself, GOOD FOR HIM! He's perfect for this kind of sport. He's strong. He's agile. He's coordinated. He's GOT THIS.

He crawled out of his boat, stood on the top of the rock, grabbed onto the rope... and froze. 

He couldn't do it. I cheered for him. I told him I believed in him. I coached him. 

But he was too afraid. 

Then it came... MAMA, I'LL DO IT IF YOU DO IT.

Shit. 

A few years ago I decided that whenever a NO-WAY-NEVER opportunity popped up in front of me, I needed to stop, listen to what my inner-yammerings had to say, intentionally let those thoughts go, and then do the damn thing. 

Well, my default inner yammering was saying... your arms are just too damn skinny to carry your ass over the water, so you best say HELL NO, because if you try, it is NOT going to be pretty. 

I can be such an asshole to myself. 

I laid those tracks probably 25 years ago, and they were STILL THERE, trying to sabotage me. 

I don't let myself talk to myself that way anymore. Nowadays, I'm on my body's team. I believe in my body. I know my body will do ITS BEST, so I refuse to berate it for not being THE BEST. 

With nothing on the line but my ego... I hopped off my paddleboard, and gave it a go. 
 

CLICK IMAGE BELOW TO WATCH THE 15 SECOND VIDEO. 

I have watched this video at least a dozen times, and it cracks me up every single time I see it. I mean, did you see my landing?!?!?  Not exactly graceful. 

But you know what, I didn't get up there to be graceful. I got up there to show my ZZ what BRAVERY looked like.

And I did it. I jumped off that rock, swung from that damn rope swing, got myself a serious case of rope burn, and fell FLOP-BARBLE-SPLAT right into the water.

All of my fears came true. And I didn't care one bit. 

I was so PROUD of myself! 

I know that sounds kind of cheesy. It's not like I was 30 feet in the air, staring death in the eyeballs or anything. But I was staring WHAT-IF-I-FAIL in the eyeballs, and that right there... that's something. 

Afterwards, my husband said to me... good thing you changed your pants all those years ago, Stasia. And I laughed. Every single time I do something brave, that's what he says to me. Because he knows that changing my pants, changed my life. 

It's probably hard to understand the connection between changing my pants, and finding the courage to jump off a rope swing, but I'll tell you what, they are inextricably connected. 

I've spent years flexing my brave muscle in my closet, always pushing up against my boundaries, kicking up to my growing edge, challenging every no-way-never I come upon. When I first started on this journey, lipstick was on my no-way-never list. So were sequins, dresses, shorts, crop-tops, cowgirl boots, headscarves, big earrings, and BIKINIS. 

Everyday I flex my BRAVE MUSCLE. Everyday my BRAVE MUSCLE gets stronger. 

Not just in one area of my life, but in ALL AREAS OF MY LIFE. 

That's how BRAVERY works.

You wanna be more adventurous? More creative? More feisty? More bold? More grounded? More fierce? More YOU? Then practice CULTIVATING BRAVERY in your closet. 

Because SHOWING UP and LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE has everything to do with BRAVERY. And your closet is hands-down one of the best places to practice. 

You just have to dare. 

You have to DARE share your ideas. Speak your truth. Stand firm. Have your voice be heard. BE SEEN. 

THIS IS THE WORK OF STYLE SCHOOL. 

If you can SEE your BIGGEST MOST BEAUTIFUL LIFE up ahead of you, and it's just out of reach because you don't quite dare... NOW IS THE TIME to join THE SEPTEMBER SESSION OF STYLE SCHOOL. 

There are less than 25 spots available. Style School will SELL OUT. Once I reach capacity, I will CLOSE REGISTRATION. Class starts on Monday, September 14th.

xo Stasia

PS. ZZ didn't need to see his mama "nail" her rope swing jump. He just needed to see her dare.

How Bodies Are Like Bread

I don't cook. EVER. That's my husband's job. 

Save for the three meals I sorta know how to make, if I bother looking at the recipe.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

That's the sound of the smoke alarm. I set it off every damn time I go into the kitchen. The kids dread it when I cook because they know it means they're eating something burnt, something cold, something dry, something "well done". 

So when my friend Nici from Dig This Chick asked me if I wanted to take her sourdough break baking class last April, I burst out laughing. NO THANK YOU, I said. I hate cooking. 

But... it was corona-time, the news was stressing me out, my kids were driving me bananas, and I thought it would be a good opportunity to flex my "be brave enough to suck at something new" muscle. So I said WHAT THE HELL, and signed up for the class. 

And then, I braced myself, because it's hard to suck, to make mistakes, to fail.  

We're trained to believe that our successes defines our worthiness, and our failures, well, good luck with that, suckaaaaaaa. 

So, I psyched myself up with a pre-class-pep-talk.  

Stasia, you've never made bread before. You don't like cooking. And you're allergic to the kitchen. The instructions are 12 pages long, with a bazillion steps, that happen over the course of three days. IF YOU MAKE BREAD, and it comes out looking like a hockey puck, don't worry about it. It's fine. It doesn't mean you should quit, give up, or call yourself mean names. It just means you're learning. And you should be hella proud of yourself for giving it a go!

On Day 1 of the sourdough bread baking class, I sat and watched as person after person filled the Zoom chat-box with "but what if I fail" comments. 

It was heart breaking. I wanted to scream out... OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL! IF NOT THIS LOAF, THEN THE NEXT LOAF. OR THE LOAF AFTER THAT. YOU'RE LEARNING SOMETHING NEW, AND THAT IS AWESOME! DO NOT FOR ONE SECOND LET THE LOOK-OF-YOUR-LOAF DETERMINE YOUR VALUE, YOUR WORTHINESS, YOUR JOY. 

Nici, the instructor, was onto it. Over and over she'd say... NO MATTER WHAT, YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE BREAD. 

We tell our kids "practice makes progress", but when it comes time for us to learn something new for the first time... we're terrified. 

And I get it. It's part of our training, our indoctrination, our brainwashing. 

It takes guts to call out the lies, and find comfort in the discomfort of failure. 

With my pep-talk in one pocket, and Nici's words - NO MATTER WHAT, YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE BREAD, in my other pocket, I made my first loaf of bread, ever!

What a loaf! I was ecstatic with joy, and wondered if maybe I was a natural. I baked a few more loaves, all on my own, and hell if they weren't perfect too. I was beginning to think I was made of sourdough magic. 

And then came the hockey pucks. For WEEKS I made nothing hockey pucks.

Hockey pucks. Hockey pucks. Hockey pucks.

I mean sure, it was still bread. But I was starting to get frustrated. So I pulled that pep talk outta my pocket, and REMEMBERED.

You are new to making bread, and things have CHANGED since you first learned. The temperatures have changed. The flour has changed. The humidity has changed. Stay at it. Keep trying. Don't keep doing things the way you did them before things changed, and expect them to work. Make adjustments. Tweak. Try something new. And above all, STAY BRAVE, Stasia. STAY BRAVE. 

So I did. I stayed brave. I focused on the process. And I felt PROUD for not quitting. I dug in, I did research, I adjusted the kinds of flour I used, I adjusted the water, I adjusted the process. 

I didn't get mad. I got practiced.

And hell if I didn't figure it out... 

I'm on a roll right now with my perfect loaves, but I know that change is coming. The weather is about to shift, which means there's a good chance that what I'm doing today isn't gonna work next month. And I'll be back to hockey pucks. I can't blame the bread. The weather. Myself. 

Change turns everything that was known into something brand new. 

Bodies are like bread. 

When my body changes, I have to learn its nuances again for the first time. I have to shift my hemlines. I have to change the rise in my jeans. I have to buy bigger underpants. 

When I started my "style journey", I had NO IDEA how it would impact my life. I thought I would figure out how to put cute outfits together, find clothes that fit my body, mix patterns and wear big earrings. 

I thought that was my goal... but really, it was just the byproduct of "being brave enough to suck at something new".

I have spent the last 5 years becoming a beginner, over and over again. And with each new BEGINNING, I fall down, I stumble, I cry, I make mistakes. And then I get back up. Bruised. Battered. Proud. Fueled by BRAVE ENERGY. And HUNGRY to learn, grow, live even larger.

If you're looking to put some cute outfits together and find clothes that make you feel amazing in your today-body, you'll find that in Style School. And do you know how you'll get there? By BEING BRAVE ENOUGH TO SUCK AT SOMETHING NEW. There is nothing more POWERFUL than being in community with a group of women who are HUNGRY to learn, to grow, to live their best lives. 

When you've got women-in-your-corner who SEE YOUR BRAVE, who are ON YOUR TEAM, who BELIEVE IN YOU WITH THEIR WHOLE HEARTS, you can't help but revel in every "mistake", because it means YOU'RE LEARNING, YOU'RE GROWING, YOU'RE LETTING GO OF ALL THE NOISE THAT SAYS MISTAKES ARE POISON.

Just imagine what it would FEEL LIKE to have 40 women CHEERING FOR YOU in your Style School Sister Squad, day after day, with every brave step you took toward YOURSELF.

Honestly, it brings tears to my eyes. 

Registration for the next session of Style School opens Wednesday, February 28, 2024.

If you've been on the fence... now's your chance.  

I'm ready to cheer you on. 
xo Stasia 

Are You on Your Body's Team?

As many of you already know, two weeks ago today, I was out camping with my family when I noticed a lump in my breast. A significant lump. A lump that honest-to-goodness came outta nowhere. 

I had a mammogram in March. It wasn't there.
I had a breast exam in June. It wasn't there. 

And then baBAM, there is was. The size of a peanut m+m. Visible to the naked eye. 

I saw my midwife that afternoon. And a week later, I had an ultrasound. 

The results of the ultrasound suggested that the lump wasn't a cyst. It was a tumor. 

A TUMOR.

I was immediately scheduled for a lumpectomy. 

Do you know that feeling when you're driving along on a slushy or muddy road, and the wheel keeps herking and jerking in every direction but straight, and it takes all your presence of mind to stay in your lane? 

Well, that's what it felt like for me to STAY IN MY OWN LANE, and not get lost in imagination land, where I have a first-class degree in worst case scenarios. 

Every time my mind wanted to veer off into the land of WHAT IF... I had to DISRUPT that thought, and PIVOT back to the present moment. 

And do you know HOW I disrupted that thought?

WITH GRATITUDE. 

"I am so grateful to have such a good body that does good body things."
"I am so grateful I'm not at war with my body anymore."
"I am so grateful that I'm on my body's team."

I haven't always had the ability to disrupt and pivot away from those worst-case-scenario thoughts toward more present-minded thoughts. Nor have I always had this kind of reverence and respect for my today-body. 

You KNOW I spent most of my life hating my body for being "too" something.

Too small. Too big. Too dimply. Too fleshy. Too jiggly. Too droopy. Too knobby. Too skinny. Too fat. Too slow. Too awkward. Too loud. 

Whenever something happened TO my body, I was convinced that my body was doing something TO ME. Betraying me. Making fun of me. Shaming me. 

I was at war with my body. 

I thought my body's job was TO BEHAVE, and when it didn't, I was angry with it. 

"I've gone to the gym for 2 hours a day, almost every day for a year, and STILL you have cellulite. Damn you body."

"I've been cutting carbs for months now, and I STILL can't ditch the muffin top. Damn you body."

"I've done all the right things during this pregnancy, and I STILL miscarried. I STILL had a baby who was born with a host of physical differences. I STILL grew a "too big" baby. Damn you body. Why do you hate me so much."
 
As if any of that was my fault, OR my body's fault. 

Over the years, I've come to learn that my body's job isn't TO BEHAVE. My body's job is to be a body.

And guess what? 

My body does a damn good job being a body.

Our bodies work HARD. They are constantly changing, adapting, healing, and growing. They endure stress and grief and loss and hardship. They are doing EVERYTHING THEY CAN to keep us alive and well. And most of the time, they go about their business without so much as a thank you. 

The least we can do for our bodies is love them in return. And thank them. And remember that if something goes "wrong", it's not our body being an asshole. It's our body being a body... vulnerable, fragile, tender, fallible. 

On Wednesday, I went into surgery to get the tumor removed, feeling supported AND loved after spending the morning on Zoom with the gals in SSSPlatinum.

The procedure was hard on me AND my body. I watched and listened as the doctor sliced out a brownie-sized chunk of my breast. My body laid still as the doctor sliced out a brownie-sized chunk of its breast. We both hurt. We both winced from the discomfort. We both trembled. 

It took a full 24 hours for me to stop crying. Because it was hard. ALL OF IT was hard. 

And in that space of hardship, I found solace knowing that me and my body... we're on the same team, and we can handle whatever comes next. 

On Friday, I spent the afternoon blueberry picking with my family here in the wilds of Vermont, and I can hardly describe the feeling of EMBODIMENT that I felt. The sense of EASE. The knowing, that no matter what, WE were going to be okay. 

Later that afternoon, when the doctor called to say my biopsy results came back BENIGN, I was both overwhelmed and underwhelmed. I thought I'd CRY OUT in relief, body crumbling to the ground, but I didn't. I thanked the doctor for letting me know, told my family and friends the good news, and felt... at ease. 

It felt strange to feel so at ease. It STILL feels strange to feel so at ease. 

And now, as I write this note to you, tears are welling up in my eyeballs.

I've talked a good gratitude game for a long-ass time. I've practiced gratitude toward my today-body for years. And now, I'm seeing and feeling the POWER OF GRATITUDE more than I ever have, ever, in my whole life.

Six years ago I hated my body. I was at war with my body. I thought that my body was against me. And then... I changed my pants, and my whole damn life changed. 

It was my FIRST STEP toward realizing my body was not the problem. 

Over the years, I've built a loving relationship with my body... not by changing my body, but by changing my mind. I stood up against a system that was dead-set on keeping me at war with my body (we all know that war is profitable), and forged a new relationship with my body. One rooted in courage, confidence and congruency. Not vitriol, virulence, and vindictiveness. 

When I set out to "get right with style" all those years ago, I had NO IDEA that I was embarking on a journey of radical self-love. I had no idea that I'd someday wear a bikini, and not feel shame. I had no idea that I'd someday find a tumor in my breast, and rely on all those years of PRACTICING GRATITUDE FOR MY TODAY-BODY to keep me grounded, present, steady and at ease.

One thing is for sure. It's taken YEARS of consistent practice, with you by my side, to access this kind of steadiness. 

So thank you. THANK YOU for joining me on this journey of RADICAL SELF LOVE. 

I love you. All of you.

Stasia 

I Interviewed Raisa. Here Is What She Said.

You know how your phone will flash you a memory from two years ago, and it'll absolutely stop you in your tracks? Well, a couple of days ago, my phone flashed THIS PHOTO:

This is my daughter, Raisa.

Isn't she something? 

I mean... LOOK AT THOSE BROWS!

I took this photo for my TEDx talk. (It was included in the slides.) And then she WORE this outfit TO my TEDx talk for a little photo recognition! 

"Hey wait - that's the kiddo in the slide show!"

When this photo popped onto my screen a couple of days ago, it stopped me in my tracks because Raisa doesn't wear bowties anymore. 

At first my heart sank in sadness, because dang I LOVED her in button-downs and bowties. But then I thought about her today-style and realized... OF COURSE HER STYLE HAS CHANGED!

SHE has changed. 

Lately she's been ALL about the tees and the button-downs and the hair-swoosh, and I thought to myself... I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT HER TODAY-STYLE! I mean, it's changed right before my very eyes, and I hadn't paused long enough to GET CURIOUS ABOUT IT. 

So I grabbed my computer, wrote down a bunch of questions, and requested a formal interview. 

Imagine my surprise when she said YES!

Mama: Raisa, you used to wear a lot of button-down shirts and bowties, but I noticed that you don't wear those anymore. Can you tell me why your style changed? 

Raisa: I don't like to be that fancy anymore. Now I like to be fancy and cool at the same time. 

Mama: Fancy and cool. Can you tell me what FANCY + COOL looks like to you? 

Raisa: I like to wear t-shirts. VIBRANT t-shirts. With button-downs, opened, with the sleeves rolled up. In the summer I like to wear shorts, with my royal blue sneakers. In the winter I like to wear jeans, with my black and blue hightop Vans. 

Mama: Do you wear this fancy-cool combo all the time? Some of the time? For special occasion?

Raisa: Every single day. All the time. Even on hikes. Wherever I go, this is what I wear. 

Mama: Why?

Raisa: Because it gives me a spark. It makes me FEEL GOOD. It makes people notice me. 

Mama: Speaking of being noticed... I'm your mama, so I have noticed that people sometimes stare at you. Why do you think people stare?

Raisa: Because I look different and unique. I mean, I have a four-fingered hand. I wear hearing aids. And people usually can't tell if I'm a boy or a girl. 

Mama: How does it make you FEEL when people stare?

Raisa: Eh, I don't care. It makes me smile because they're either interested, or curious. I like to be interesting! I mean... why should they NOT stare? We're all interesting in our own way. We all have a unique quality that nobody else has.

When little kids stare at me, I try to be my BEST self because I want them to see the BEST part of me first. I want them to see the fun side, the happy side, the loving side. 

When grown-ups stare at me, I usually just say hi or smile. 

Mama: What about bullies. Have you ever been bullied?

Raisa: I don't know. I mean, I guess so. But I don't take it that way. If I don't FEEL bullied, am I even being bullied? 

Mama: Who are you? (This was a trick question of sorts. Usually when I ask grownups this question, they say something like... I'm a mother, a friend, an attorney. I'm 41 years old. I live in Kansas. I have 4 cats.  But they never actually tell me WHO THEY ARE. I was curious to see how she'd answer this question.)

Raisa: I'm a happy, vibrant, fun, active person. I love to make people laugh because it means I've raised someone's spirits, and that makes me feel happy. 

Mama: Anything you wanna tell anybody about STYLE?

Raisa: You taught me to dress how you want to feel. Like, if you want to be a happy person, then wear something every day that makes you happy. Wear your favorite clothes. Everyday. It doesn't matter what activity you're doing... you wear your favorite outfit because it'll lift your spirits and make you feel good. It doesn't matter what other people think. OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT YOU. You are your own person. 

Mama: Actually, you taught me that Raisa. Don't you remember?! We call it Inside-Out Congruency. I did a whole TEDx talk about it! You were there. You got a standing ovation for goodness sake! 

❤️❤️❤️

After the interview was over, we got on ThredUp together and ordered a handful of new (second-hand) back-to-school button-down shirts. Colorful shirts. The kind that will give her the SPARK when she wears them. 

She walked outta my office, eyes forward / shoulders back, feeling pretty friggin good that her mama had taken the time to GET CURIOUS about the way she chooses to show up in the world. She felt psyched that I was able to ask her good questions while we were clothes shopping online. 

Will this give you the spark?
Is this one vibrant enough for you?
Do you think this one will make you feel cool?

I'll tell you what... she walked outta that 10-minute online shopping sesh feeling SEEN. 

And I thought... wouldn't it be cool if WE ALL INTERVIEWED OUR KIDS through the lens of  WONDEROUS CURIOSITY before doing our back-to-school shopping? 

Because then we'll not only learn more about the inner workings of our kids, but they'll likely drop some pretty fly kid-wisdom on us that'll make our heads explode with wonder and awe.

Like when Raisa said... [being stared at] makes me smile because they're either interested, or curious. I like to be interesting. I mean... why should they NOT stare? We're all interesting in our own way. We all have a unique quality that nobody else has.

🤯🤯🤯

Imagine if we noticed someone staring at us, and we ASSUMED it was because they were interested or curious about our uniqueness? And that made us smile and want to CONNECT with them? 

Seriously. IMAGINE IT. 

Wouldn't it change HOW you showed up in the world? Wouldn't you walk around differently if you were eager and ready to make eye contact with whoever thought you were interesting? Wouldn't you FEEL differently in your body if you didn't assume people were being judgmental boogers.

What would you wear if there were NO RULES?
What would you wear if you were getting dressed FOR YOU?

Guess what? 

There are no rules. You CAN get dressed for you.

Like my friend Debra Rapoport likes to say... "Where there are no rules, there is no fear."

So how about before you get dressed today or tomorrow, you think about WHO YOU ARE and HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL, and show your YOU-NESS on the outside! 

If this feels scary or daunting or OMG I HATE MY WHOLE CLOSET AND NOTHING FITS... don't worry. We've all been there. It might SEEM impossible, but it's not. I promise you, it's not. 

xo Stasia 

PS. If you haven't watched my TEDx talk, grab a tissue, and see Raisa's standing ovation for yourself!

I refuse to hide my body.

Question for ya. 

How many of you are getting younger?

Show of hands. 

Wait? How many? Exactly ZERO of you?

That's right. ZERO of you are getting younger. 

Interesting, isn't it, to think that NONE OF US are getting any younger, yet we live in a culture/society that teaches us that we gotta work harder to "get back" to our yesterday-body. The one we had BEFORE. When we were younger. 

Before you had a baby. Before you had surgery. Before you were diagnosed with a chronic illness. Before you had cancer. Before you hit menopause. Before you got divorced. Before the pandemic. Before grief struck. Before you gained 15 pounds for no "good reason" other than... you-have-a-body-and-it-changed.  

Here's the thing. There is ALWAYS going to be a before. 

When I was 25, I hated my body, and I wished for my 20 year old body. 
When I was 30, I hated my body, and I wished for my 25 year old body. 
When I was 35, I hated my body, and I wished for my 30 year old body.
When I was 40, I hated my body, and I wished for my 35 year old body. 

TRICKS ON ME, folks.

I was in a perpetual state of yearning for my yesterday-body, never EVER happy with my today-body. 

It never occurred to me that I was indoctrinated into a system of structural, social and societal bigotry that shames, dismisses and demoralizes fat bodies and aging bodies as being UN-ATTRACTIVE, UN-WORTHY, and UN-LOVABLE.

Nor did I consider that entire industries are counting on me hating myself so they can continue to make HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS OF DOLLAR off of my self-loathing. 

I spent most of my adult life at war with my body. Afraid of my body. Ashamed of my body. 

And here's the thing. I'm a white, straight, cis-gendered, able-bodied, thin woman living in America. 

In other words, I'm fucking privileged. And I STILL hated my body. I STILL feared what it might become. 

Gals, YOUR BODY IS NOT THE PROBLEM. 

Ageism. Racism. Sexism. Able-ism. Capitalism. Fat-phobia. 

THAT is the problem.

I absolutely REFUSE to HIDE MY BODY. I REFUSE to slink away in shame. I REFUSE to participate in a system that was designed to hijack my worthiness. 

Maybe you've been "lucky enough" to work hard and attain some kind of aesthetic today-body-satisfaction, but guess what? That doesn’t get you off the hook. Your body is going to go ahead and change. Because that's what bodies do. And eventually there will come a time when there won't be a diet or system or a cream or a procedure or a device that can "cure" your aging/changing body.

And you're going to be STUCK in your today-body. With ZERO skills of self-acceptance. 

OR, maybe you're not one of the "lucky ones" that can change your body into something you deem desirable, and you feel frustrated about that, so you're hiding your body. Waiting for your body to listen - obey - do as it’s told. 

You've pushed pause on life. 
You're waiting until you "lose that covid-15" to buy new pants. 
You're giving yourself one-more-year to lose that weight before buying yourself some clothes that make your SOUL FIRE sing. 

Here's what I think. 

THE GIG IS UP. 

Your today-body is a GOOD BODY, and it's time you start treating it as such.

How do you do that?

You say THANK YOU BODY, for being such a good body.
You say THANK YOU LEGS, for being such good legs.
You say THANK YOU ARMS, for being such good arms. 

When you show gratitude to your today-body for being a GOOD BODY that does GOOD BODY THINGS, then you are celebrating it for doing it's JOB. It's actual real and true job of supporting you as you LIVE YOUR ONE GLORIOUS LIFE!

When you show your body that kind of gratitude, your relationship with your body WILL CHANGE. 

When I was 41, I hated my body.
Now, I'm 45, and I feel Good as Hell in my today-body. And I’m done HIDING IT.

My body didn't change.
My relationship with my body changed.
Because I CHANGED how I interacted with my body. 

It's not easy, changing how you interact with your body. 

It's taken me years to RENAME, REFRAME, UNSHAME the conversations I have with and about my body, but I'll tell you what, it's one of the best things I've EVER done for myself. 

When I stopped hating myself, do you know what I found? MY VOICE. 

I have used my VOICE to cheer me, and THOUSANDS OF OTHER WOMEN on, because loving yourself is NOT EASY. 

It takes guts and commitment and tenacity and resilience to stand up to a system that’s intent on seeing you fail. 

Do you know what else it takes… COMMUNITY. 

We're up against a lot, me and you. And there is NOTHING LIKE BEING PART OF A SISTERHOOD of women who believe in you, who are committed to breaking through the noise of “too-much-ness” and “not-enough-ness” with you, and who SEE YOU in all of your worthiness, just as you are, in your one and only today-body.

Registration for the next session of Style School opens on Friday, August 28th, at noon EST.

If you're an alum, and you know someone who is itching for some revel-YOU-tionary SELF LOVE and sisterhood, then please forward this email to them. If that person itching to join the SSS sisterhood is you, then mark your calendars for Friday, August 28th, because I'll tell you what... the world is changing, and it needs YOUR VOICE, YOUR BRAVERY, YOUR FIRE more than anything right now. 

CURIOUS ABOUT THIS THING CALLED "STYLE SCHOOL"?

You're in luck, because I've gone ahead and taken TWO MEGA FOUNDATIONAL CHUNKS of the SSS curriculum, and turned them into a FREE CLASS. And I'm gonna teach it LIVE, on Thursday, August 27th at noon EST, so you can see FIRST HAND what a day-in-the-life of Style School is ALL ABOUT. 

Here's what I'll be covering in the PERSONAL STYLE FROM THE INSIDE OUT free webinar:

• What is Inside-Out Congruency

• Why I redefined BEAUTY

• How to decode your body’s shape

• How to unlock the magic of balance and proportion

Even if you don't want to do Style School, OR if you've already done Style School and just want a REFRESHER, you'll want to join this webinar because HOLY BUCKETS I'm giving out - FOR FREE - some seriously good Style School content.  Content that will challenge the way you think about style, teach you some things you've probably never learned before (hello balance and proportion), and inspire you to TRY A NEW WAY OF BEING IN YOUR TODAY-BODY. 

If you can't make it live, no big deal, because I'll be sending out the recording RIGHT AFTER THE CALL. All you gotta do is SIGN UP HERE to gain access to the webinar and the recording.  

If you've got ANY questions at all, find me on Instagram @StasiaSavasuk or send me an email and let me know. 

I'm ready and ROARING to go! 

xo Stasia 

Want to change the way you think about your today-body?

This morning, I had a thought. A revelYOUtionary thought. A thought that I think is going to change the way I respond to the dreaded "WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK" voice that yammers on inside my head. 

Now that I've got 19 sessions of Style School under my belt, I've got a pretty good handle on the 'ole "what will people think" thought that plagues so many of us. 

Wait. 

Who am I kidding.

Now that I've got 19 sessions of Style School under my belt, I've got a pretty good handle on the "what will people think" thought that every single one of us thinks from time to time if we're living a BRAVE BOLD BEAUTIFUL life. 

Why?

Because with guts comes vulnerability. 

If you step outside your comfort zone - if you dare, if you try, if you leap - you will feel vulnerable. 

And if you feel vulnerable, you are likely going to wonder "what will people think". 

I've been wearing the SAME PAIR OF DENIM SHORTS for just about the whole summer, and every time I slip them on, I feel like I'm breaking some sort of unwritten rule that says I cannot wear the same thing day after day after day. 

I sometimes wonder what people might think... and OF COURSE my assumptions are always AGAINST ME. 

Who does she think she is?
She thinks she looks great, but she doesn't.
My goodness, why doesn't she ever change her clothes!

After letting those thoughts run rampant in my mind, I'm sometimes tempted to ditch my cut-offs for something I don't want to wear, because I'm afraid of what people might think. 

I know. Nonsense. 

My usual OVERRIDE to the "what will people think" inquiry is "what other people think of me is none of my damn business". 

It's good. I've used it for years. It's gotten me outta many'a sticky moment. 

But this morning, I imagined taking that whole inner-inquiry INTO A DIFFERENT DIRECTION. 

Instead of disrupting the "what will people think" thought with "what other people think of me is none of my damn business", I imagined thinking: WHAT WOULD I - STASIA SAVASUK - THINK. 

Huh. 

So I imagined asking myself WHAT WOULD I THINK, if I saw a woman wearing the same cut-off shorts day after day.

I'd think... DAY-UM, this woman knows what's going on! She's found something that she loves, that makes her feel HELLA GOOD, that she's not willing to give up for any consumer-driven "rules" that say we gotta have at least THIS many pairs of shorts to be worthy of beauty, love, friendship, intimacy, respect, kindness. She's valuing herself over capitalism, and I think that's pretty damn awesome. She's IN her body. Connected to her body. Feeling good in her body. I'm here for it. 

Talk about SOVEREIGNTY!

It's me, giving myself a pep-talk. A permission slip. A pat on the back for being the person I want to be. 

Let's practice. 

EXAMPLE 1.

What will people think if I wear a minidress, even though I'm 45? 

Ugh. Wrong question. Cue every worst case scenario you can imagine. 

What would I think if I saw a 45 year old woman wearing a minidress?

I'd think... she is a revelYOUtionary woman! I'd admire the way she embraces her body and the way she doesn't pay attention to any of rules that say you can't do this or that after a certain age. I'd notice how she stands, with her eyes forward, and her shoulders back, feet planted on the ground, in complete ownership of her body. I'd think to myself, I love how she's not afraid to show a little leg! No hiding. No diminishing. No shame. Just a woman, living in her body. How BEAUTIFUL is that. 

EXAMPLE 2.

What will people think if they see me wearing a bikini, even though I have cellulite?

Ugh. This question will take you to hell and back. Don't do it. 

What would I think if I saw a woman wearing a bikini, not hiding her cellulite, and just living and loving in her today body?

I'd think... LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN! She knows she's got just ONE BODY, and she's not going to waste one minute of it feeling ashamed of her body. Why should she! She's got an incredible body that does incredible body things. I'd notice her smile, her laughter, her ease. I'd see that her BEAUTY has nothing to do with the size of her body, or the smoothness of her thighs. I'd see that her BEAUTY has everything to do with how she EMBODIES her incredible human body. And in that moment, I'd feel the FREEDOM to do the exact same thing. 

EXAMPLE 3.

What will people think if they see me wearing a fancy dress, on a Tuesday, during a global pandemic?

GAHHH. Only ask this question if you want to feel like you're in 8th grade again. 

What would I think if I saw a woman wearing a dress on a regular ole Tuesday during a global pandemic? 

I'd think... now THERE is a woman who is willing to buck the stay-at-home norm of not giving a damn, and dress how she wants to FEEL. She's not waiting for permission. Or a reason. Or an excuse to "feel good". She knows her worth. She knows that life is worth celebrating, even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard. Putting in this kind of effort when the world feels like it's going to hell in hand basket takes a special kind of SAUCE, and she's got it. In fact, her SAUCE makes me want to access my own SAUCE. 

Now... I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking, I wouldn't be as nice as you, Stasia, because truth is, I kinda think she shouldn't be wearing a minidress at her age. And I definitely think she should wear a cover-up because LORDY nobody needs to see that kind of cellulite. And let's face it, she totally thinks she's ALL THAT, wearing a dress on a regular old Tuesday, during a global pandemic. 

I get it. I used to think those thoughts too. And do you know what I've learned? That those thoughts were not born inside of me. They were PLANTED INSIDE OF ME, starting at a very young age, from my mother, who was always very critical of herself AND other women.

My criticism of other women's bodies had NOTHING to do with other women's bodies, and EVERYTHING to do with my own pain, my own hurt, my own shame, my own training. All of which was passed down to me from my mother, who projected her own pain and hurt and shame and training onto me. 

This isn't something to be ashamed of. IT'S SOMETHING TO HEAL FROM. 

Nowadays, whenever a thought like that sneaks into my consciousness, I know that it's a blinking red light that's saying... THIS🚨IS🚨YOUR🚨WORK.

In other words, go ahead and ask yourself WHAT WOULD I THINK, and be honest with your answer. No matter what thought you think, it is an opportunity for growth and healing.

You'll either see that you are WAY NICER TO YOUR GAL-PALS THAN YOU ARE TO YOUR OWN DAMN SELF (holy wake-up call), or you'll see that you've got an opportunity to STOP GENERATIONAL SHAME in its tracks. 

Not gonna lie. This is hard work. 

But I'll tell you what... it is the WORTHIEST WORK I HAVE EVER DONE. 

Ever. 

When you are filled with tension and restlessness and criticism and judgment, you are GRIPPED. And I'll tell you what, I was GRIPPED for a long-ass time. 

That is not where JOY and BRAVERY and LOVE and TENDERNESS live. 

I believe you are worthy of all those things. 
I believe it's possible for you to be your own cheerleader.
I believe that right now, the world needs more joy-filled, brave, loving, tenderhearted women. 

No more "what will people think".

Only, WHAT WOULD I THINK? Said with conviction. Like the champion of women that you are.

Love, Stasia

PS. Registration for the NEXT SESSION OF STYLE SCHOOL opens on Friday, August 28th. This here is the work of Style School. YES, we talk about the clothes. We explore balance and proportion and color and jewelry and Inside Out Congruency. But we ALSO unpack generational shame, call out the lies we've been told and taught by people and institutions we "trust", and start renaming-reframing-unshaming the conversations we have with, and about, our incredible human bodies. 

What Better Time to SHOP YOUR CLOSET (then during a pandemic)

No matter where you are in the world, it probably feels like March 58th to you too. Except it's April. Almost May. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like we're gonna be staying home and social distancing until March 124th. 

Speaking of time-not-exactly-flying-by... do you know WHY so many gals wear the same things over and over again, even if those clothes don't make them FEEL good?

Because (I've been told) they don't have the capacity to explore what "styles" DO make them feel good.

By "capacity" they usually mean TIME + MONEY. 

Well good news my friend, because I wanna invite you into your very own closet. It's only a minute away, the cost-of-goods is free-thirty-free, and it contains EVERYTHING YOU NEED to learn EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW about your own "personal style".

After 5 years of teaching Style School, it never ceases to amaze me how many women know exactly WHO THEY ARE and WHAT MAKES 'EM FEEL GOOD... and then stuff all of that knowing right into the back of their proverbial closets.

Having the guts to say THIS IS ME is scary is hell. Wicked vulnerable. And downright liberating.

I just wrapped up the 19th session of Style School last week (which we've aptly named SSSCovid-19), and with the whole world shut down, gals did all of their "shopping" right in their very own closets instead of in the stores. And HOLY MOLY you should SEE what they found, and WHAT THEY LEARNED!  

Lucky you, they said I could share it all with you right here in a fashion show exposé.

First up is my gal Saskia (SSS15 Rosie Squad + Big Sister to SSS19 Amelia Squad), who FINALLY pulled these AMAZING earrings outta hiding after realizing they were not "too much" after all. 

"I saw these sparkly, leather, feather-shaped earrings in Boston last summer, gasped, and thought “I MUST have those, and I will NEVER wear them in public.” The “too much” jiblet is looouuud, but they make me feel giddy and flashy and magical--kinda like a mermaid. This is their “public” debut."  

If you don't know, "jiblets" are those negative voices inside your head that say mean things to you when you're brave enough to SHOW UP. (It's Style School speak.) Well, Saskia put those jiblets in their proper place (outside, pounding sand) and wore the dang earrings because she KNOWS there is no such thing as "too much". 

Do YOU have any jewelry stuffed away that you're afraid might be TOO MUCH? How about flexing your brave muscle and wearing them... today! 

And now, let's take a gander at Claudette (SSS19 Maya Squad), and check out this incredible dress she's had in her closet FOR 10 YEARS, but has NEVER WORN!

"I was feeling a little rebellious today - our last day before lock down kicks in this evening. I have had this dress for about 10 years and never worn it. Today I felt like it needed a chance celebrating my waist."

I about FAINTED when Claudette posted this photo. She had this hanging in her closet for 10 years before pulling it out for a full day's wear during a stay-at-home-global-quarantine-day-with-kids!! 

What do YOU have hanging in the back of your closet that you've never worn!? How about giving it a go this week?

Next up is my gal Holly (SSS19 Rosie Squad) who pulled a pair of swashbuckling boots out of her closet that SHE HARDLY EVER WORE because she didn't think she was "cool enough" to pull them off. 

Not cool enough? No way.

She told that "not cool enough" jiblet to head outside and go pound sand with Saskia's jiblets. Because HELLO, she is SOOOOO cool enough to wear the dang boots. Can you believe they've been sitting in her closet virtually UNWORN for all these years?

Most of us have at least one "I'm not cool enough" piece in our closet. What's yours? Can you commit to wearing it THIS WEEK?

And now, let me introduce you to Style Sister Kathryn (SSS19 Rosie Squad), who bought a fancy-pants necklace while traveling on vacation, and then stuffed it in a drawer because her friend didn't like it!  

"I bought this necklace from an artist in London while visiting a friend. Friend’s response was lukewarm about it when I showed her and that was enough to bury it away...never to be worn! How absurd is that??"

Gals, what other people think about what you wear is none of your damn business. (Yes, I said none of YOUR business. Other people can make what you wear their business, but you don't need to make what they think any of YOUR business.) You get dressed for YOU - to feel good in YOUR body - to connect to your SOUL FIRE. Kathryn re-realized that the second she put this necklace on. Shazam!

Do YOU have something in your closet that you LOVE... but somebody made fun of it, so you tucked it away and stopped wearing it? How about wearing it THIS WEEK!

Next up is my super-fly Style Sister, Cindi (SSS19 Rosie Squad) who had an unworn dress AND denim jacket sitting in the back of her closet for A YEAR before pulling both pieces out during the first week of Style School. She somehow got it in her head that she couldn't wear stripes... because you know, RULES. 

"I didn't think I could wear stripes."

Can't wear stripes? Who makes those rules up anyway? The fashion police? I'm calling their bluff. You wanna wear stripes, then wear the dang stripes! Because my goodness, this dress fits Cindi like a glove, the stripes look whimsical and fun, and the denim jacket looks amazing. She's the master of balance and proportion here, and I'll tell you what... SHE KNEW BEFORE SHE EVEN KNEW SHE KNEW that this was a smokin' hot outfit that fit her body, and her SOUL FIRE, perfectly. 

Got anything in your closet that has a pile of RULES attached to it? How about flushing those rules down the toilet and WEARING THE THING this week?

And lastly... check out the hadn't-been-worn-in-13-years blazer Danielle (SSS19 Maya Squad) discovered in her closet!

"I bought this as a suit 13 years ago, and wore the suit once for the interview for my current job. It's been in the back of the closet in a garment bag because I never wear a suit. I pulled out the blazer and I love it! Great color for me. Good length. Whoop! The pants are on their way to ThredUp because my amazing hips will never fit into those pre-baby pants again."

Do YOU have a suit stuffed into the back of your closet that just might have a top or bottom that STILL FITS, and can be worn as a separate? It's a wicked clever move. Super resourceful. And totally FREE! I mean... look at Danielle's smile here. She won the SOUL FIRE lottery, no doubt about it.

And yep, even I have taken to shopping my closet for treasures! I had bought a pair of burgundy leggings MONTHS ago, and had only worn them once. So on a regular old weekday, I whipped them out, put ‘em under a pair of denim shorts, threw on a floral crown, and called it a day. I felt downright glamorous!

Gals, this is what STYLE is all about. Finding things that fit, make you feel good, and leave you feeling clever, resourceful, smart, sexy, brave, grounded, glamorous, fierce. 

And there's a good chance you've got THOSE EXACT THINGS in your closet already.

I just ran an ENTIRE SESSION OF STYLE SCHOOL during a global pandemic, where the only place gals could go shopping was in their closet. And it was AWESOME! 

I know a lot of you are feeling the frustration that shopping is off the table because you're itching for something new... but I'll tell you what, there's a 99% chance that YOU HAVE SOMETHING NEW in your closet already.

Go digging. Find the things you've set aside because you didn't think you were "cool enough". Put on the fancy dress, the big earrings, the sparkly tank top. Wear the good jewelry. The swashbuckling boots. The gritty denim jacket. 

You might roll your eyes and say... NOW, DURING CORONA-TIME??  And to that I say YES. Now. FEELING GOOD feels extra hella good these days. 

So go for it. SHOP YOUR CLOSET. And see what you might find!

xo Stasia